A Marsha Summers Blog

Anger, guilt, fear, insecurity

[from Marsha:  I read a description a while back about four possible results that can happen when we get caught in blaming. I started transcribing in 1994 and I finally found that description again; and can now share it with you. I have observed sometimes when I have become disturbed at what someone has said or done, I was not able to let go of it for days. I imagined conversations of what I should have said and great arguments to prove that I was right and what I could say the next time I was with that person.  The thoughts ran like a horror movie. I would try to escape the inner argument and turmoil; but it was always stronger than I could ignore. So here is a sketchy road map of what happens in the four roads of blaming.]

From DC Workshop 3 & 4

Dr. Bob says……..When you got stuck with “it” [blaming], you felt hurt.  Now whenever any of us feels hurt — if you will observe the next thing you do — is look for blame. That is ole’ #6 [see picture of man on website] comes up there in a big way – you look for blame because somethin’s bound to be to blame.  Now we may most commonly express blame by sayin’ “why” did this happen to me, huh?   “Why” didn’t he do so and so.  We look for an impossible answer because “why” has 10,000 answers or none whichever one you want, huh?

(Any answer would be right.)

Any you like, but it won’t stay more than a minute or two because another one comes up, right? 

So you look for blame and when you look for blame, you will find it.  Now there’s four possible ways that we will find to blame

           Blaming “them” results in anger

If you blame the other person, you will find it was him or her to blame; and then you will feel anxiety and the blame will take the form of “anger”.

Now every now and then this one jumps up over here and relays off several conditionings from the past because Mother always told me if I would “always do the right thing”, that everything would work out fine.  Did your mother tell you that? 

(Uh huh. Still does. )

Do you tell your kids that lady? 

(No.)

You didn’t tell ‘em that? 

(I told them that it is life and nothing is either fair or good or bad because…….)

…it’s really not, “it is”; and that’s about all you can say about it.  But it’s not fair, is it?

(If you expect it to be fair, it isn’t.)

No, it surely isn’t.  It’s not fair – nothin’ fair about it.  Some people are born rich and some are born poor; and some are born tall and some are born short and all this good stuff – nothing fair about it.  Some born with a high IQ and some are born with one to just barely get along with.  So there’s nothin’ fair about it; but nevertheless we can sometimes find that maybe I goofed up a little bit.  Now that’s not too frequent — understand — but it was the way I was trained and I was trained real well.

              Blaming “me” results in guilt

So then we can feel guilt.  Now did anybody here ever feel guilty?   Did you ever have a guilt feeling Barbara – it’s a mess isn’t it?  Did you ever? 

(I have a permanent guilt.)

Do you?

(Carry it all the time.)

…everywhere you go.  Did  you ever feel guilty Hon?

(Yes.)

It’s horrible isn’t it – a mess?  So we feel guilty.  That’s another form of anxiety. 

    Don’t know “what to blame” results in fear

Now the next thing that we might feel is that we “can’t for the moment find what to blame it on”.  Have you ever been in that shape Mr. Pinkous?”

(Oh yes.)

Well that’s what you call “fear”.  You see we don’t have fear when we know what to blame it on.  We can get “angry”.  We can get “guilty”.  We can get aggressive or what-have-you; but we can’t feel fear.  Now fear is that feeling you have when you are hurt and you’re looking for blame, and you can’t find something right away to blame it on.  Did you ever have fear?  And wasn’t that the situation?  You couldn’t find exactly what to blame it on.  You didn’t know whether to get angry.  You didn’t know whether to feel guilty.  You couldn’t find exactly what to lay it on and then you feel fearful. 

(Also when I don’t have control of the situation.)

Well I know, but then you’d have control of it if you knew what the cause was, wouldn’t you?  When you’ve had something to blame it on, you would know what to blame it on. 

                      “Unable to control”

               “Blaming resulting in insecurity”

Now “what you think when you don’t have control of it” is when you feel “insecure” which is a very similar one, but it’s another way of going at it.  I know what the blame is; but I can’t get a hold of it because so and so has charge of it and I don’t. 

Now wouldn’t it be nice if we was totally in charge of this world – you could move everybody just where you wanted them?  So we come up with these – “anger”, “guilt”, “fear” and “insecurity” because ….

(I walk around with all four of ‘em.)

Yeah.  Well most of us do Mr. Pinkous, that’s our usual state.

Now those usual states one or more of them at any given moment is what most of us carry around to some extent, huh?  

Now let’s refer to all of those with one broad word of “stressful”.  We’re full of stress.  We’re all wound up to do something and that’s it; and so we don’t feel what you call “at ease” or “peaceful” or “pleasant” or that you can go on about your work without having emotional turmoil. Is that right? It does interfere in your function.

(Sure does.)

Because we were never designed to have them.  This was one thing we were never equipped to handle.  We could only have it when we’re trying to use “truth that was for another time and place” Therefore, those are false feelings of emergency for every one of us – they are anxiety and we were never equipped to have them. 

Now when we’re full of stress, the body mobilizes  — X does the appropriate thing here because if I’m angry or feel guilty or fearful or insecure, the only appropriate thing to do would either to be “to fight or run and hide”.  Now I’m stuck standing here with my face hangin’ out and what can I do about it.  It is not appropriate to fight and there’s no place to run, so we’re stuck with the stress, and X does the appropriate thing which is to adapt the body with soreness, stiffness [see vicious cycle and adaptation on the website]. 

[From Marsha: You can also go to “School Talks” on the Webpage and see #26 Motion in order to relieve the hypnotizing of the blaming that won’t let go – can be fun too!]

Arizona Workshop #43 on Gratitude. 

[from Marsha — In this day and time, it seems we have been given so much that we have taken everything for granted. Seems businesses give us many choices touting “new and improved” trying to get us to buy. Who would ever have thought that a simple hamburger could get so complicated. So it seems that we feel we can have everything  just like we want it; and if we can’t, we get very upset and feel mistreated, misunderstood or denied by others thereby creating conflict, struggle and resistance either within ourselves or with others.  Here’s a simple beautiful story from the Arizona talk….]

“In this morning’s paper, there was an article about some people that lived in the city of Phoenix that are homeless. They’re living under an overpass, and they have no shelter except maybe they cover up with blankets and what-have-you.  They can build a fire out under the place where they can stay reasonably warm. Some reporters asked, “Where do you get your wood.” The gentlemen said, “If you don’t ask any questions, you will be told no lies”. But they had one picture of a little two-year-old girl who looked very happy. She had a big grin on her face and everything. She was stirring a pot of beans, which was being cooked on an open fire. I guess she was anticipating having some beans after a while, but possibly the little child hasn’t been in a situation where she could set up ideals yet.

So it seemed to be quite all right. She’s camping out and having a good time and she’s feeling all right, even though it had been cold weather for Phoenix–hot for most places. She’s living outside and has no home of any kind; but her parents are with her and she gets to stir the bean pot, so that’s quite all right.  Now maybe if she’s denied stirring the bean pot, she would be very unhappy, I don’t know. You see, whatever the person sets up as being the “ideal” can become an overpowering thing that makes you have a feeling of being sorry for yourself–feeling “deprived”, feeling “put upon”, “unhappy”, and whatever word you want to put on it.   

Definition of ideal from the dictionary

2. existing only in the imagination; desirable or perfect but not likely to become a reality.

[from Marsha  — So perhaps it is of benefit to look at the ideals we live by and see the illusion of it’s being achieved.]

 From 7 & 8 of DC March 78

[from Marsha:

Growing up in this manmade world has been an ever unfolding adventure. As a teenager, I just knew happiness would be mine if I could drive. And when I could drive, then I wanted more freedom to do what I wanted to do with no sanctions from my father.

And then I went to work hoping for a better job, more income and a perfect mate who would give me security. And when I had a husband, home, and children then I became somewhat discontented with that and wanted something different. In the 60’s it was suggested that I should “to find myself”.  So what I had, I took for granted and that lead to greed of wanting to develop my potential – not saying that’s bad or good, just the suggestion of those days

Definition of greed from the internet

“Greed goes much further than money. A person can be greedy for money but also for fame, possessions, attention, compliments. It could be fun to make your own list. 

Happiness was evident at times, but only very temporarily.

And so as conflict and discontent grew, I was fortunate enough to start vocal lessons with a teacher who was familiar with the “teachings” of Dr. Bob Gibson: and I began using his 48 tapes one each week. One of the ideas he mentions is that we’ve always had what we need which is provided by the Host – X – God. 

But coming back to the “NOW” in 2020, I chose this subject for the blog because the covid scare is diminishing many of the things, events, and privileges we have taken for granted – even a simple hug.  It feels alien to me to see people with masks on; and it takes away from their personality, from communication and a sense of oneness as though we are all divided from each other and very alone. 

So I treasure this exercise of “looking at what I already have” in a very new and different situation.  It can bring about a sense of thankfulness instead of a forboding of “lack” – even if only for the moments we spend on it.]

And here’s the excerpt.

                From the workshop

 But the Host basically provides for me all the time and I can have tokens to play with because I’ll exchange with you okay?

Now when we see that fairly plain, do you not of necessity have to have another purpose of living – simply to be a good guest – you forget all about being nondisturbed because there’s nothing here to really disturb us anyway.  Why work at somethin’ so hard when you already have it – come to think of it.  You have food, clothing, shelter, transportation, interesting things to do, interesting people to be around, delightful other guests to play games with ever since you’ve been here haven’t you Barbara?

(Sure have.)

Now why work so hard to be nondisturbed when you already got it except you’re frettin about it.

So you see I can put an end to all this old purpose of living ‘cause I see I really already have it.  Don’t you Mr. Pinkous?  You already have it – you have food, clothing – everything that makes for a nondisturbed state.  You have food clothing, shelter, transportation, interesting things to do, interesting other guests to be around, right?

(Uh huh.)

So why work so hard to get something you’ve already got.  You see – only an infant has forgotten that he didn’t have something for a minute and so we still go on with that same habit runnin’.

Now that you have it, could you not make a contribution to the party we’ll say – just simply being a good guest.  I don’t know what’ you’d do.  I haven’t the foggiest.  My contribution probably’d be different that anybody else’s contribution – yours would be different than anybody else’s; but it’s worthwhile.  You see, the party’d get along if we didn’t make it anyway, Did you know that?

(Yeah.)

The party would get along just fine if I didn’t make the contribution.  So it only does something for me, it gives me a feeling that I can say thank you in some way or other.  Party’d get along anyway, wouldn’t it?

Now when we look at that, we’re bound to come up with a new purpose.  Now I said when we look at it – I didn’t say we’ve already looked at it, but I, at least, gave the place to look, okay?  The area in which to look; and you’re bound to see that if you look around a bit, that this is what’s actually goin’ on out here, okay?  And that all the other guests are doin’ what they feel’s right, proper and justifiable; and a lot of ‘em obviously don’t know where they are – they don’t’ know what they are, they don’t know what’s goin’ on here and they don’t know what they can do.   That’s true.  And you have even been a little extra privileged to get a chance to look at that, okay?  No sweat then.

Now if that be the case, then you could have a new purpose of living without any effort of makin’ it; and you could choose from a few possibilities how you want to put it to work.  That’s when we say it is consciously chosen because by looking at it as it really is, you’d have to have a new purpose of living, you just couldn’t keep from it, okay?  I didn’t say you could look at it this minute. It may take you several days lookin’ at it.  May take you one  minute and maybe you already have; but whatever it is, it’d come up a new one and essentially it would be some form that the only thing I can do here is be a good guest.

[from Marsha….From this little excerpt, I took a walk around the block to really take a look at what I already have.   I have food – plenty of it – maybe too much and I’m working on not eating all of it all the time because the body doesn’t need as much as is available.

I have plenty of clothing – it may not be brand names; but it is certainly fine for me and I can mix and match.   I can dress up when I go out because it feels good to me and it also makes the environment a little prettier.

In one of the workshops there was a woman who hated putting her makeup on in the morning. Dr. Bob suggested that she was beautifying  the environment. After that, she never had a problem and I adopted that idea also.

I have shelter.  It’s not an expensive house, but it fills all my needs and is just enough.   Also have a private fence in the back yard where I can have a garden and ponder with privacy. 

I may not be able to drive, but I have transportation to the places I really need to go.  May not get to go everywhere I want whenever I want, but it’s that way with everything in life.

I certainly have interesting people to be around; and they don’t fit my ideal of what people should be or should do; but it reminds me to do the work of the teachings and maybe experience agape (understanding) for each and every one.

And I have interesting things to do despite the blindness.   Yes, the things I can do are limited; and yes, they are sometimes very difficult to do; and yes with diminishing sight I need to keep looking for alternatives to seeing, but so far, I’ve been able to do that.

So when I think about making a contribution and/or be what, to me, is a good guest, I have found many opportunities – I keep tweaking the process each day. I think it’s a contribution to not try to change all these interesting people I’m around even though the temptation is great when I see them saying and doing things that may not be to their advantage.  Most times, they don’t want to hear my opinions; and they are on their own path. 

And there are the obvious contributions like playing piano on Zoom or telephone for sequestered friends. I can go on conference calls with other students of the teaching. I can learn new songs and develop piano skills and memorize words  even if I never get to use them for an audience. I have taken up creative cooking and planting a garden of vegetables and herbs (and I always felt I didn’t have a green thumb).My mind is challenged to come up with new ways to fill my needs for socialization. Once long ago after a bout with depression I experienced the idea of learning to be my own best friend.]

From workshop / Malibu 6/69

[From Marsha:  Have you ever been unable to make up your mind — felt catatonic?

       Here’s a definition from the dictionary.

2. characterized by a marked lack of movement, activity, or expression.

I have noticed at times when I’m unable to decide what to do that I’m in a catatonic state about a certain situation. I experience inner thoughts that say “do this or say this”; and then immediately there’s the diametrically opposed thoughts saying “No — do this or say this!”  I unconsciously base it on “doing the right thing” or want to express pure reaction that is often detrimental to and about the other person and not to my advantage.

So Dr. Bob gave a description of “what’s going on”  when this happens. So we begin with a question from the audience.]

(What happens when we have two “authority figures” giving directions on what to say or do; and they don’t agree?)

[For “Believe and do what my authorities say” is #4 in the picture of man which is illustrated on the website.]

Then it’s in conflict within itself; and if they are of equal strength — you can then have a catatonic — one who can’t move in either direction — they just sit.  You would like to get up and hit them because one authority figure said, “Knock ‘em down.”   And the other one said, “Love ‘em.”  The poor person is so tied up — he wants to knock ‘em down; but the other side says, “You must not because you got to love ‘em.”  So one sits there in tears. 

One of the things we find in very sensitive people is that they are taught, “You ought to love your enemies.”  And so they see him as their enemy — and they’re trying to love him too?  Now they believe him to be their enemy, but they’re trying to love?  This is an excellent way to produce a “catatonic”.  Okay? 

(You love and hate at the same time?)

What we are really saying is not to love your enemy, but to understand the enemy; and then he’s no longer your enemy — you see him as human being.  But you don’t look to understand him — understand that he’s conditioned and is unable to do anything other than what he’s doing.  In other words he’s doing what he sees is right, proper or justifiable.  It’s the only light he has.  It is all you can operate by also. 

But you continue to “believe and do” what you have taken on from some authority — to “love” them which is included in what we call *sentimental feelings”.  In other words, you’re thinking of this joker as someone you feel is going to stick a knife in your back if you get close enough to him — and so you truly think of him as an enemy.  You hate him for all he’s done to you, but you’re going to love him if it kills you — and I’ll tell you this — it jolly-well will.  I have been around people who are paralyzed with hatred for a neighbor or someone they are blaming.   This puts more people in hospitals than anything I know of — mental hospitals.

[From Marsha: I have discovered that at times I have found myself catatonic and was not conscious of it. Perhaps the first sign is I’m angry, frustrated or fearful of someone. The thinking mind won’t let go of it because a decision can’t be made of how I want to handle myself when I’m next involved with this person . The idea from this excerpt gives me a place to look.  If I discover which “authorities” I have accepted in the past, it gives me more understanding of what’s going on within me.

I even had a living example this week. I have company every Thursday. It started out as a fun, laughing, sharing thing; and we cooked dinner together. As time went on, it comes out that the person has many ideals in eating whether real or imagined, I can’t say — can’t have too much fat, can’t have fish because it’s too strong, can’t have brussel sprouts or cabbage because they’re gassy,  can’t have this, can’t have that and it has to be prepared in a certain way ie only romaine lettuce with no spine in the salad, only feta cheese, only certain spices that are the best.  I reached a place of intolerance and couldn’t decide how to handle being a gracious hostess. 

So I asked myself – what are the “authorities” fighting within.

One is from childhood – “You will eat what I fix or not have anything at all – just go to bed hungry.” – an old parenting strategy – A side became an accepted unconscious authority for handling finicky eaters.

Another one is – “If you come to “my” house and I cook, then eat it or bring your own”.  Truly an A-side comment. Seems I made up my own “authority” from the anger I felt or maybe I unconsciously took it on from a friend’s comment.

The other one sneaked in from the “pleaser” [see picture of man] “I should be understanding of and considerate of them and find out what they want and how they want it cooked; and do it that way.  So it is catatonic. It comes to “What can I do?” and at this moment I still have no answers. And of course, I can’t begin to know what I will feel, say or do this coming Thursday. I want to see it as not important – hum, easier said than done.  Dr. Bob talked about using simple good manners; so perhaps I’ll see if I can play the role of a gracious hostess despite the chatter in the mind.]

[from Marsha:  In these times of 2020 and the coronavirus with conflicting information from many sources about masks, social distancing, washing hands frequently, not touching face, fear of people coughing or sneezing, no hugging, no touching outside activities being safer than inside activities; and everyone in conflict about what’s “safe”. Seems they are accepting beliefs that are “logical to them” until necessity drives them out to do what they need and later want to do despite the constant warnings of illness and death.

And so I come across this little parable told by Dr. Bob in a workshop. It is interesting to contemplate.]

Building the tower for safety

Now I heard of a man who wasn’t free to have any discomfort occur to him, so he went out and put himself in the middle and began to build a tower. So he kept building it up and building it up; and he could see that danger could still come from above so he finally completely enclosed it over as a dome on top. He had lots of bricks and mortar inside. He completely closed it over. Now he couldn’t have any doors or windows in this thing because danger could come through those. So, of course, when he got it all sealed up, you can imagine that very shortly he used up all the air in there and he smothered…..

[from Marsha: This is only a physical parable that can be used to observe what goes on within mentally and emotionally.]

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school.

I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite! When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I’ll never forget what he said: “Honey, I love burned biscuits.”

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, “Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she’s real tired. And besides – a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!”

You know, life is full of imperfect things… and imperfect people. 
 I’m not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. What I’ve learned over the  years is that learning to accept each others faults – and choosing to celebrate each others differences – is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship. 

“Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket – keep it in your own.” So… please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine! And please pass this along to someone who has enriched your life… I just did. Life is too short to wake up with regrets…

 Love the people who treat you right and forgive the ones who don’t. 

[From Marsha: I must say that I sure flunk often with the ability to compliment and approve of the people who treat me with kindness and generosity. I love reminders to look at that because there is so much suggestion to find fault and look for them to be even more to me.

And I also find it difficult to forgive those who are grumpy, angry and difficult to be around. It is up to me to see how I might put myself in their place, try to understand that maybe they’ve had a hard day, and in my present situation see that there is no way that they could possibly understand what it is to be blind or deaf or any other disability that is going on with people I happen to find myself around.]