Anger, guilt, fear, insecurity
[from Marsha: I read a description a while back about four possible results that can happen when we get caught in blaming. I started transcribing in 1994 and I finally found that description again; and can now share it with you. I have observed sometimes when I have become disturbed at what someone has said or done, I was not able to let go of it for days. I imagined conversations of what I should have said and great arguments to prove that I was right and what I could say the next time I was with that person. The thoughts ran like a horror movie. I would try to escape the inner argument and turmoil; but it was always stronger than I could ignore. So here is a sketchy road map of what happens in the four roads of blaming.]
From DC Workshop 3 & 4
Dr. Bob says……..When you got stuck with “it” [blaming], you felt hurt. Now whenever any of us feels hurt — if you will observe the next thing you do — is look for blame. That is ole’ #6 [see picture of man on website] comes up there in a big way – you look for blame because somethin’s bound to be to blame. Now we may most commonly express blame by sayin’ “why” did this happen to me, huh? “Why” didn’t he do so and so. We look for an impossible answer because “why” has 10,000 answers or none whichever one you want, huh?
(Any answer would be right.)
Any you like, but it won’t stay more than a minute or two because another one comes up, right?
So you look for blame and when you look for blame, you will find it. Now there’s four possible ways that we will find to blame
Blaming “them” results in anger
If you blame the other person, you will find it was him or her to blame; and then you will feel anxiety and the blame will take the form of “anger”.
Now every now and then this one jumps up over here and relays off several conditionings from the past because Mother always told me if I would “always do the right thing”, that everything would work out fine. Did your mother tell you that?
(Uh huh. Still does. )
Do you tell your kids that lady?
(No.)
You didn’t tell ‘em that?
(I told them that it is life and nothing is either fair or good or bad because…….)
…it’s really not, “it is”; and that’s about all you can say about it. But it’s not fair, is it?
(If you expect it to be fair, it isn’t.)
No, it surely isn’t. It’s not fair – nothin’ fair about it. Some people are born rich and some are born poor; and some are born tall and some are born short and all this good stuff – nothing fair about it. Some born with a high IQ and some are born with one to just barely get along with. So there’s nothin’ fair about it; but nevertheless we can sometimes find that maybe I goofed up a little bit. Now that’s not too frequent — understand — but it was the way I was trained and I was trained real well.
Blaming “me” results in guilt
So then we can feel guilt. Now did anybody here ever feel guilty? Did you ever have a guilt feeling Barbara – it’s a mess isn’t it? Did you ever?
(I have a permanent guilt.)
Do you?
(Carry it all the time.)
…everywhere you go. Did you ever feel guilty Hon?
(Yes.)
It’s horrible isn’t it – a mess? So we feel guilty. That’s another form of anxiety.
Don’t know “what to blame” results in fear
Now the next thing that we might feel is that we “can’t for the moment find what to blame it on”. Have you ever been in that shape Mr. Pinkous?”
(Oh yes.)
Well that’s what you call “fear”. You see we don’t have fear when we know what to blame it on. We can get “angry”. We can get “guilty”. We can get aggressive or what-have-you; but we can’t feel fear. Now fear is that feeling you have when you are hurt and you’re looking for blame, and you can’t find something right away to blame it on. Did you ever have fear? And wasn’t that the situation? You couldn’t find exactly what to blame it on. You didn’t know whether to get angry. You didn’t know whether to feel guilty. You couldn’t find exactly what to lay it on and then you feel fearful.
(Also when I don’t have control of the situation.)
Well I know, but then you’d have control of it if you knew what the cause was, wouldn’t you? When you’ve had something to blame it on, you would know what to blame it on.
“Unable to control”
“Blaming resulting in insecurity”
Now “what you think when you don’t have control of it” is when you feel “insecure” which is a very similar one, but it’s another way of going at it. I know what the blame is; but I can’t get a hold of it because so and so has charge of it and I don’t.
Now wouldn’t it be nice if we was totally in charge of this world – you could move everybody just where you wanted them? So we come up with these – “anger”, “guilt”, “fear” and “insecurity” because ….
(I walk around with all four of ‘em.)
Yeah. Well most of us do Mr. Pinkous, that’s our usual state.
Now those usual states one or more of them at any given moment is what most of us carry around to some extent, huh?
Now let’s refer to all of those with one broad word of “stressful”. We’re full of stress. We’re all wound up to do something and that’s it; and so we don’t feel what you call “at ease” or “peaceful” or “pleasant” or that you can go on about your work without having emotional turmoil. Is that right? It does interfere in your function.
(Sure does.)
Because we were never designed to have them. This was one thing we were never equipped to handle. We could only have it when we’re trying to use “truth that was for another time and place” Therefore, those are false feelings of emergency for every one of us – they are anxiety and we were never equipped to have them.
Now when we’re full of stress, the body mobilizes — X does the appropriate thing here because if I’m angry or feel guilty or fearful or insecure, the only appropriate thing to do would either to be “to fight or run and hide”. Now I’m stuck standing here with my face hangin’ out and what can I do about it. It is not appropriate to fight and there’s no place to run, so we’re stuck with the stress, and X does the appropriate thing which is to adapt the body with soreness, stiffness [see vicious cycle and adaptation on the website].
[From Marsha: You can also go to “School Talks” on the Webpage and see #26 Motion in order to relieve the hypnotizing of the blaming that won’t let go – can be fun too!]