School Talk 8 - Inner Considering and Outer Considering
(Scissors Story of always being on the defensive)
(audience participation in parenthesis)
We will talk today without our little friend, Katie Lee because I didn’t have anything appropriate for her. I’ll also talk because I don’t have a blackboard, so if I fumble, blame it on the blackboard, will you?
We’re going to talk about internal considering and external considering. Now we’re going to talk about internal considering first.
Everything that comes along, we do a considerable amount of considering, especially in all our personal and interpersonal relationships. Usually when we go out to buy something or when we’re going to make a change in our business or whatever, we do a lot of considering. The one we will concern ourselves with this afternoon is personal and interpersonal relationships. So in this, most things goes along and we do all internal considering. How does this affect me? Am I getting to have my way? Am I getting to do what I want to do or are you interfering with me doing it?
A few days ago I talked to some people in Texas and the man likes to play baseball on weekends and so forth; and his wife would rather he stay at home on weekends as well as other days in the week. The contention was—I listened to both of them—this is where you really begin to see there’s a difference. The lady told me how uncouth it was of him to want to be out playing with the boys on Sunday, and playing baseball on Saturday and Sunday. It was, in this case, while she was at home taking care of the house and all this and listening to everybody that came in to complain, and it was all his fault because he was not considerate of her and etc., etc., etc. She was in a state of being that was almost to a panic state. She was ready to pack her bags and go home to Mama just any day of the week now.
And then the man told me about it. Now this is the same situation, the same household. So the man told me how his wife was so inconsiderate. That all she wanted was for him to sit around where she could look at him all day long and he couldn’t go play anything that he wanted to play. There was nothing he could do without listening to endless hours of static and this went on and on and on. I won’t bore you with the details. I was getting paid for it, so I could listen—but you’re not, so I won’t bore you. But you can pretty well imagine because I think most of you could probably play back a little scene or two for yourself and catch on. Is that somewhere close to right?
So I listened at great length. So, then, I finally suggested that each of them was to observe this act of internal considering—how does this affect me. What can I do to get what I want and etc? So I talked to the lady about it and she said, “Well, I tried that last week.” “You told me that on the phone and I did it for two days and he’s still doing the same damn thing.” So she wasn’t quite catching the point. It was not to be done as a means to convert anybody else or make them over, but to somewhat understand what was going on. So I spent some more time as to "what was going on here" and I’ve heard since--I had a phone call that things were changed around. Now, I don’t know how long this is going to last, understand, but I had words that everything was smooth as it could be--that the man, I think, began to listen to me that he could do a little external considering and his world might be more peaceful. So apparently he’d been doing some, because she told me that she was being treated wonderfully and all this good stuff. So I guess it’s all right.
So let’s all pay attention to something that we could probably "discern something from" and the home is one of the excellent places to see "what’s going on here". The major theme of our little school here in Arizona is to find out first-hand, instantly, what’s going on here instead of catch on to it next week sometime. What we’re interested in is being able to see at the moment what’s going on here; so, if possible, that if we would pay attention to whenever things are getting static-filled and you know they do do that now and then. Things get under a state of static. Somebody more than likely #1 is practicing internal considering. Everything is considered from "how does this affect me" compared to some "ideal" of some beautiful situation that the ideal has set up. I’m considering how come I don’t have the "ideal" and you know then "it’s your fault"; and if "it’s your fault", you deserve being trimmed down to size by some good verbal things; if not that, maybe I’ll throw the dishes at you or something like that. Something has to be done to get things around like we want.
So let’s take on the task of observing when I am doing internal considering. Now I don’t think it’s worthwhile to observe if another person is internal considering, because the chances are that they are, and then you can have something to be aggravated about. So let’s only see "what I am doing". Am I practicing internal considering? Am I considering everything from my non-disturbance? How will I be non-disturbed? How will everything get along?
Now this is not only in our relationships with boy--girl which we talked about last week, but this is relationships with bosses, with customers, with people in stores that you go in or whatever--everybody that you have any personal contact with. It is sometimes advantageous to, I said sometimes, I would say always, but let’s start with just sometimes.
It’s to our advantage to use external considering. Now in external considering is considering "how does my behavior affect you". In other words I can see if I’m going to do something that will probably get under your skin, push some of your buttons. If I know you fairly well, I know which buttons to push that will get you annoyed. I also know which ones would sound soothing to you and etc. They’re standard enough that I could almost be certain that if I took my car to the garage to have it worked on, I would know how to aggravate the man--or get him to like me. If I use external considering, he will purr, get my car in, get it done and so forth; and if I use internal considering, he’ll probably get the car done all right, but he will find ways to charge me about three times as much and I don’t blame him.
We could practice internal considering and so to make it simple, let’s take the four dual basic urges.
Everybody we know, including each of us, wants pleasure and comfort and we want to avoid pain.
We want to gain attention and approval and we would like to avoid being ignored or rejected, and we all like to have a little appreciation at least for our efforts and etc; or shall we consider that we’re at least equal, worthy—we’re worthy in some way or other.
So if we let people know that we’re concerned with their pleasure and comfort, that we give them a bit of attention, we give them a bit of approval and a bit of appreciation, you’re using external considering.
Now, you’re not doing this for the other person necessarily, you know, our self interest is always pretty well around. So we’re doing it because it’s to my advantage; and I’m not doing it because I’m a goody-good two-shoes and want to please you. I’ll do it because I’m very selfish and would like to have what is to my advantage.
We can also see that we could withhold anything that would cause pain to the person.
We can withhold ignoring people.
We can withhold disapproval—that’s an easy one, and it’s so easy to disapprove. You did so and so. You did so and so and you did this. You know you can get accounts receivable going back as many years as you have known the person. That right, Mary? You can still get some of them around, I notice--every now and then--about a guy out in California. He’s deserving a little bit. You still got some accounts?
I recommend that people put their accounts receivable in the nearest waste paper basket that you pass. Sometimes melts the waste paper basket down, but we can buy new ones. It will melt you down if you keep them in.
So we could cancel off all unpaid accounts receivable against people.
You know there’s no way they can ever pay up. There’s just no way they can ever do that--so cancel it. Put it out. I don’t want to have it there anymore. That’s an awful load to tote around. And all the time we do any accounts receivable, we are again internal considering over something that happened maybe 20 years ago or 25 years ago, 22 years ago and the body and the mind react just like that is happening right now. I don’t see any use in toting that around—there’s no way you’re going to collect it. Huh? No way! So why bother with stuff.
So we can begin to practice a little other considering or external considering. Considering other people. Now other people are a whole lot like you and me. They more or less want about the same things--maybe in a slightly different way as you want, and they want to avoid about the same things you want to avoid. Now once you’re concerned with another person, you are considering them, you have turned loose all urges to be considered yourself. Now when you’re doing that, you get a lot of consideration. But as long as you’re on guard to be sure that you’re being approved of and you’re getting no disapproval and etc, you are constantly occupied with yourself.
No doubt many of us have been around people that are on the defensive--constantly. I used to work with a man that if I said, “Good morning” to him, he went on the defensive to try to prove to me that I was misunderstanding him in some way. I finally got so I said, when he came through the door—I won’t use his name because several of you know him—I would say, “Good morning, to hell with it.” And he had a hard time with that one for a week or two, but he gradually got so he could defend himself on that one; and if you’re constantly on the defensive, it’s very tedious; and if you’ve got yourself in a state where you’re in a habit of using internal considering, you’re found a lot of accounts receivable against other people, you’re on the defensive constantly. It’s pretty tedious if you ever look at it. It’s real tedious, so when you stop to look at it, what have you really got to defend?
Now we’re talking psychologically. If somebody starts beating you over the head with a baseball bat, clobber the S.O.B. and be done with it. But I’m talking about the psychological defensiveness that you are misunderstanding me; and therefore. you’re going to disapprove of me; so I’ll start in trying to straighten you out first so you won’t misunderstand me.
Have you been around anybody like that in the last year or two--that no matter what you say, they immediately start correcting you so that you will not misunderstand their position? They think--if you’re going like you’re going, you’re bound to wind up disapproving of them; and they want to avoid all disapproval and at any cost. So they work constantly at it and it starts a tremendous number of hassles.
I met a nice lady in a mental hospital one time. They’ve all been great teachers to me.
I interned in such a place, so I got to know it pretty well. We had a lady who sat and told you all day long, over and over--I was sittin’ at my sewing machine making him a shirt and he came in the door and said as he had said every day since we were married, “What are you doing that for?” And this particular day her defensiveness got the best of her, because that statement was putting her on the defensive—not necessarily with the words, but with the tone of voice he used. She had to defend whatever she was doing. This particular day, she said, "I don’t know how it happened, but my hand picked up the scissors and drove them through his throat and he died.” And when she got through telling you that, she’d tell it again.
So you know, it can get in some pretty serious situations by being on the defensive all the time, and the man with his tone of voice was putting the little lady on the defensive. She didn’t have enough sense to know how to see and handle it, so she had tried to defend herself for years. I’m doing this because it needs to be done in the house and etc. etc. and etc. So this particular day as they saying goes, the "straw that broke the camel’s back", one more question when he walked in the door. She was making him a shirt, and he said, “What are you doing that for?” She had no defense except violence; and she got him, and I really couldn’t feel too bad about it. I told her I thought it was all right, maybe she had a couple of stars in her crown coming, but she didn’t buy that. She kept on telling the story over and over and over and over. I’m sure she sat in that institution and told that story many times a day until she was mercifully released by dying. Nobody could get through to her. I spent, I literally, can safely say, many hundreds of hours trying to get her to see that, so what.
They didn’t send her to prison, they sent her to a mental hospital--which is worse in my book--because the prison she had a chance to get out. In mental hospitals you can’t get out because you have to prove you’re sane and that’s impossible for any of us to do that, you know, because we’d say the same things if we got locked up that those people, in there, are saying. “I don’t belong in here, these people are crazy, I don’t belong in here.” So you know, we would never get out. So the poor lady was stuck with the thing. So I guess it was all right. Anyway that’s the way it worked.
So we only put that in passing that it’s kinda worthwhile to not be using internal considering all the time. It probably works out far better if we, went the other way 100%, but at least more than 50% would certainly get us along a lot better if we went to external considering. Besides that, it’s a lot of fun.
You’ve gotten most people to like you pretty well. You don’t have too many ways to get people to attack you because you see that whatever they’re doing, it's the only thing they could do with what light they have, and the reason most people attack is that you’re internal considering; therefore, attacking them to at least some degree.
Ok, I will stop now and we will attempt to do a little round table discussion as always. So I’ll put the little microphone out here where everybody can talk into it. So if you have a comment, make it loud and clear. Believe it or not, people buy these tapes of our little discussions here and they claim that they’re of great value to them; and we feel that’s the reason we’re making them is that they are of value and we will continue to make them.
So I’d like for everybody that wants to interject your thoughts, questions, comments, disapproval of what I’ve said or whatever. Ok, who’s first. Who’s got a comment. Now I know I didn’t make it as clear as mud.
Mary, come on.
(I need an illustration.)
(........of this, I do this all the time of internal considering and wanting to kill people.)
(Especially when I go in a store to buy things and I can’t get service out of people.)
Right., the dirty dogs, they are only interested in drawing their pay check and don’t even know I’m in there, right? Ok. What do you want to know? How you get them to change?
(No, I think more than anything, it would be easier if I could give up thinking they ought to change.)
That would be the easy one, yes. So I would consider that if I had the boring job they got, I would probably be goofing off too. So I try to give them a little something to smile or laugh about or make some wiseacre remark that they find entertaining or what-have-you; and after you do this a few times, you’ll find you go in that store and you’re overwhelmed with the service you get—truly!
(Ok, this is what I wanted.)
Ok, so you go in there and "complain for them", "stick up for their rights" and do a little "blaming for them"—that’s considering them, the way they see it--and honey, they will break their necks to take care of you.
(Ok. That’s good. Ok.)
That’s right, so you just make your rounds of where you usually like to go shopping and etc. and the people you work with, and whenever they’re standing there, why you start complaining for them.
I ran into one the other day that I changed the rules on him. Whatever I bought was even money plus 6 cents. So after he rang it up, I gave him the 6 cents. He could never hack it out. I tried to talk to him, but I found out he didn’t know a word of English, and he was working in a store. All you do these days is walk up and hand somebody something and they ring the register. He had learned how to do that, but he did not know one word of English. So it took him a long time to handle this alteration of how to make change. He was going to give me even money now, where he had it run up on the box to give me
94 cents or whatever it was. Ok, next comment.
(So what you’re saying is that instead of considering how our buttons are getting pushed that external consideration is seeing…….)
Protect the other guy’s buttons.
(Is it more than just understanding?)
It’s also considering that he doesn’t know what’s going on. He’s got a bunch of buttons, so to speak, hanging out that are easily pushed. When the buttons are pushed, he is all upset. If he’s upset, he's got to defend himself--then we’re both in a big old fight. So why not just go ahead and see what the person is working on; and if it’s a good activity of seeing what’s going on here on your part, you can protect their buttons, so to speak. I put a shield on other people instead of myself, ok--works so much better. You know in effect you’re carrying around a shield on your arm, you know, to keep the guy from hitting you with his sword, so hold it over in front of him. It’s all right, he’ll enjoy it and pretty soon it’s all right.
(That’s not just being a helper?)
No. No, I’m not helping him, I’m looking out to what’s to my advantage. Don’t you know that things are more to your advantage when everything’s running smooth. Things are not to your advantage when there’s a big fight, throwing dishes and breaking up the pots and pans and kicking the window panes out and so forth. Haven’t you found that out hon? Pays a lot better. There’s more money comes your way, more attention comes your way—more nights out on the town comes your way and everything, huh?
It’s just simply what’s to your advantage. I’m not talking about pleasing anybody else. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about what’s to my advantage, ok?
(That sounds like when you internal consider it is a market place for internal chaos.)
..........for yourself? Oh, you’d better believe. I saw a car this morning with a license plate on the back end that said, “chaos”. So I imagine that’s what goes on is chaos, you know, it’s awful easy to have chaos.
(Well, something has to happen in there to some kind of a......)
So consider the other guy’s viewpoint, ok?
So that’s what you got going on instead of that blah, blah, blah and all your good "self pities" and how bad you’ve been trampled upon and all the other stuff.
(How does that differ from pleasing?)
Well, pleasing is doing it because I’d feel guilty if I didn’t please. With external considering I'm doing it because it’s to my advantage, ok? External considering is conscious and internal considering is an unconscious reaction. External considering is conscious behavior—they are quite different, dear one. You see the difference?
All right next comment? Question? Challenge? I’ll take anything on it. I’ll take it all. What you got?
(Bob, is there any kind of a tip off or a signal so you know when you’ve gone to the point where you’re going to get poked in the neck with the scissors?)
Well, to be on the safe side, you better start external considering today because you never know when the other person is at the breaking point, ok? That gives you a very good reason for doing it. I said we’re doing this for ourselves, not somebody else. And you don’t know how close that other person is to the breaking point, you know, and who knows who’s got a pair of scissors. I saw Paulette walking around with a pair yesterday, and you know I’ve never seen a pair of scissors since that day and that was many years ago, that I haven’t thought of that lady and her story. I’ve never seen somebody totin’ a pair of scissors around that I didn’t think of that; and I thought of her yesterday afternoon when Paulette grabbed those scissors and was trotting around there. You never know when Paulette’s at the breaking point, you see.
Ok, next comment. Ok. We will cease for now and if you’ll cut that machine off down there, I have a small comment to make.